I feel like an asshole..
Today’s not a good day off the bat, maybe because it’s raining. I feel awful for hurting you yesterday. I know you said we’re okay, but for some reason I feel like you’re still mad at me.. I hope not.
I really don’t like the person I am. I know that’s probably bad to say, but I don’t know how else to put it. I wish I weren’t so fucking lazy. I wish I had a different upbringing. I would love a redo of high school, I’d do way better and maybe I wouldn’t be so fucking stressed all the time. I’m graduating from high school in 15 or something days, and I have no clue, at all what I want to do. Most people don’t understand me, and I’ve only told my life story to 2 people. It would probably make someone cry. I can’t stand when people judge me when they don’t even know me. I’m really afraid of being judged. I don’t talk to people I don’t feel comfortable around. I’m bad at meeting new friends. I’m not very clever or creative. Most the things I say come from other people just because I think it’s hilarious. I think I try sometimes too hard to fit in. I’m not really myself. I really don’t know what myself is fully yet. I wish I did. There’s so many things in my life I would like to go back in change. Too many for me to be comfortable with. That gets to me a lot. Which is why I’m only happy on certain occasions. I try hard to not make the same mistake twice, but it seems to come back around more often then not. There’s no reason for me to be this unhappy. I don’t know what it is. Alll I know is that everyone in our generation seems to be super unhappy. I wish I grew up in a different generation, where love actually ment something. I am one of those guys, I want to believe in true love. As gay as that may sound. But it’s true. I want to be the main person you come to. For anything. I don’t have any more competive sports left to play, ever. It’s all gone. Which upsets me a lot. That was the one thing I could always count on to make me happy, and I don’t have it anymore. I miss playing football, I was good at it. I had high school coaches asking which high school I was going to, in 6th grade. Unfortunatly, thats the year my grandma died, and I haven’t been right since. I miss playing baseball, but my elbow has no cartiledge in it left, so there goes that. Swimming, well that’s just gone for good. So basically it’s all, gone. I really hate letting people down, when people tell me they’re dissapointed in me. That’s probably the worst thing anyone could ever say to me. Worst then I hate your fucking guts. I’ve hear that one too much. Well, I’m done. I hope no one took the time to read this. I just had to let something out, been a rough night.